ahhh.... fuck it ... i am too damn tired..

Joseph

I love you so much, you're my heart and soul,
without you I'm just not quite whole.
There's so much I love I could not name it all,
but I'll tell you some things that I dearly recall.
I love how you laugh when you're truly happy,
and the way you pretend that you're never sappy.
I love how you glow when you talk about our life,
about how it will be after the hard work and strife.
When you talk of your goals you're bright as the sun,
and I can't wait to see you on the day that you're done.
You hate stupid people and you love your art,
it kills me everyday that we are apart.
Even when you're just lounging around,
you take my breath away and I can't make a sound.
You're handsome, and funny, and amazingly smart,
and you've completely and totally stolen my heart.
There aren't enough words for how wonderful you are,
you're my inspiration, my lover, my shooting star.



i truly melted after reading this. i know that being with me is not so easy. I work odd hours and always willing put myself in harms way to help others. She worry's on every call i am off to. Crys when she does not hear from me after a call. I love her to death, and i am sorry that i put her through it. When my fellow Paramedic was killed on call, she has not been able to sit well. i do not blame her.

This weekend is our anniversary and i can not wait. i have the day and night planed oh so well. From fresh six dozens roses wit one blue dyed one in each, blue is her favorite color. a set of jewelry simple but yet very well made and designed with natural curves by a friend. Dinner made by me. a Beef Wellington with double backed mash potatoes and sweet vegs with a salad. desserts is hand dipped strawberries and marshmallows in both milk chocolate and dark chocolate with icing. and if their is any more chocolate left over hehehe... well.. then during the night.. i'm not going to tell.
i have been planing and cooking for a day and half now getting ready for this day

the next day is just us going to the Magnificent Mile for some shopping and relaxing with a live band. and well a night ride on my bike down lake shore drive to see the lights of chicago

after that is me pampering her.

and your asking. hey aggie, whats the big deal? simple.
i love her and she loves me ..

...... i am loves bitch, but i am man enough to admit it.

but with my job and what i see of life, i feel from my heart, to love each other of everyday to the end. but our lives has made it hard on us, she is going to school away and i am working here in the city. makes things hard. i am undergoing some great changes here as well. and why not celebrate with the ones you love the most.

So how is life with out old Aggy around hmmm? anyone?

well not only is my pc busted so is my leg now. this Saturday i just couldn't deal with my pc not working right. so me a few friends went off to a state park. a good two drive away from Chicago. loved it. truly truly loved it. well at one point around mile 7 i was climbing around some of the sand stone rock faces and i made the jump but (have pics of right before i jumped) ended up twisting my ankle and pulling three mussels in my leg. the 17.5 hike, it was to be just 10 but you know me. we set up for our break and lunch under two small waterfalls. cooled off at a third. it was just lovely. oddly as i hurt my self it was still a blast! i laughed and giggled the hike back to where we had the car. we set up the small grill had buggers and drinks. what a fucking day!. as i am now waking from the vicodin-D i took and yelling at my pc to work!

sadly i wont still be logging in for sometime till my pc is fixed. as one problem is fixed another came to pop its' ugly head. so no agar for a week.


the sun peered throught the tress. and the golden red hue was cast onto the water of the river gleamed as rubies dancing across the top. there we four sat and watched on top of the rock over the tree tops. i covered in mud and sand, the others oddly clean. nothing can beat that moment as we four watched and saw a beauty that is slowly going away. i only thought outside of love for another, was if a creator or a god saw what we have done to this world and true beauty it once had. would they have as much mercy upon us and out creations. but the day will come upon this same trail we walked upon. the water falls gone and dried up. the tress withered and stumps left. the river posiened in color. the animal none to be seen only rotting flesh. the canyons filled with trash and filth, i wonder would anyone miss such a wonder as long as their cable, air conditioning runs.

HAPPY Birthday EZA!

Happy birthday Sadie and many sweet ones for you!

This day is yours.

People like to think that I'm just bitter, that the scowl I carry upon my lips is a sign of some general disgust that I hold for the world. But those who know me best, know me better. They know that I am not a creature filled with bitterness and hate, but a creature filled with love, who is simply selective in who he spends it on.

Why should I waste something as precious as love on those who would do nothing but take away my time? Why should I respond with anything but malcontent when they try to deprive me of even the smallest amount of what I hold dear?

I'm not bitter at the world, just the vast majority of it. People who want something from me, my money, my love, my time, my compassion, but offer little or nothing in return. Those who add to my life and enhance my existence, I cherish, those who would take away from it, I vanquish.

Most of the world is nothing but a dragon with a billion heads waiting to bite and strike. A multi-fanged vampire wanting to drain me of my life and the things I hold dear. That much I believe. But before you call me bitter, say it in front of those I love and who love me, say that before those who have earned my trust and my companionship, say it before those who will prove you wrong.

For I can assure you dear erroneous fool, I don't have a problem with the world, just you. Just you and those like yourself who would drain me of my time and resources. I hate that and why shouldn't I? It's my duty and my will to live that causes me to despise that. It's the same that causes me to love those who contribute to my existence.

So while I may be a bitter human being, at least rest assured that I don't discriminate, I don't blanket and I don't hate needlessly. Rather, I just choose my friends very wisely and those who are the closest to me understand the value in that.

didn't know where to put this. but this is a moment that i think we all should think about it.

lately we have seen and heard of so many famous people dieing, cleberitiest in their on ways and lime light. and i know it is such a morbid topic to talk about, but it has popped more so here with the fellows i work with. and it got me thinking. and wish to share my thoughts. on the this question. "if someone died. who's death would cause you the most pain"

what i noticed that most to all people will go to some celebrity . but when i heard this question my mind went some place else. so who? i was asked. and yes manay said a long list of famous people,

what i said and thought of was my Father, or my Brother and friends. they are not well known or famous or, but to me they are.

so i was asked why? i didn't give a real answer but just shrugged and said. they are well famous to me.

but in truth this is why. If they died soon and sudden i will crushed, yes. not cause of them no longer with me. but the what ifs; my brothers wedding. his first child, or divorce. my Dad with his grand kids. or him enjoying his elder years. and the many things to says and regrets that will come with that..

in my line of work. i see the emotional hurts and burdens, and i have seen people die sometimes daily basis or all day. in the place were i would have to tell someone of their loss or their loved one who died. they may not be well known to me or us. to that person. they are.

what is the point of this? yes it is morbid and emo-ish thing to point out. this is my point.

the most famous person who died and floored me was. Anne W. wife and mother. my mother. she died only three years ago. on June 6th. she is well known and famous to me and hers.

i am a man of very few regrets. but i have one that hunts me and burns me. i wish i could of told her i loved her one last time. a hug, a kiss, and how much of a wonderful mom she has been. what she thinks of me? and how my life has come along. if i have made her proud of the kind of man i have become. i will never know the answer to these questions.

so think... and think of the famous people to you. the celebs in your life. Mother, father. brother or son, daughter or sister. A teacher who has moved you. a friend who has been their with you at three in the morning. a new friend. someone real and true who has made this world truly turn for you. that celebrity, and tell them that you care. and love them. do not miss out.

as on thing the death of celebrities this week have shown me. is that life comes and goes. and we at times miss it. and soon a gem is gone.

(( okay, after having a sit down and being told a few things.. and yes this is a odd place to put this. but it is a needed vent-ing. for me.

i do understand that when i do draw it takes time, and well time sometimes for me is hard to get, due to other things. outside of this game. but what pisses me off, is that they can not be honest with me and act all spoiled to me after the work is done and such a good job in what i do. to me it IS a great picture, and if they do not have the balls to say they don't like it or that feel for what ever damn reason, they should be damn fucking honest with me. instead of smile and toss the drawing aside in front of me. that is low and disrespectful.

but in the end if your too damn spoiled, and can get the idea outside of what ever damn image you had in your mind, then THEY or YOU should of Drawn it not me.

i can understand the idea of your own fantasies and your view on it, but i did my best to see something that i was or not a part of . and even added my own feelings and views to as any artist would.

the fact, I put time and so much effort into it. in such a short period of time, and that they scuffed at it if it was some random scrap of paper, was by far the most cold and heartless.

~on the side~

i do understand that anyone who is a artist, wants their work shown and seen, this is not about someone bad mouthing my stuff. i can deal with that. this was the act in the must suttle simple way, a smile as the dagger goes in kind of thing. yes i do want people to see my work, and like it. but what i ask for is honesty and appreationation, even in the end it is not what you see in your head. but it is what i saw in mine. and in my ability to make somewhat a reality. the way i draw is not like dress up with some 3D Dax or Poser. it if from scratch and with my hand. making it tangible and real.

~on the side again~

as for my work or drawings not shown here on this site as Tal has pointed out. as being told,
well here is why. Raine. has given me the okay, even to put up. some of the work that has got me kicked off Deviant Art. and yes a good much of it falls into N-17 and X-rated. and i did explain it to her so when it does show it, their wont be "you didn't tell me"

as for not on this site. it is for out of curtsy of the rules, "even though i see some rules to be broken for the sake of freedoms over such"

as for why my drawing painting etc, falls into that N-17 or X-rated is that when i do feel and the need to show my emotions. i do not hold back, from cute fluffy goodness to the evil and darkness that we all think and try to hide it. but mine are made. and yes some if represents my feelings or when a bad call goes down. it is how i cope by drawing it.

so out of human nature, and the need to be heard and seen. but as well to show what emotion lies underneath from within the human soul. and to deny me that is to lower me to the level of that of house plant. i do not hide what i feel. it is human.

the drawing as not great work of art. but it was made. with feeling and glee. and to just tose it as if a used tissue, lowered me from a human to a house plant.

but i am more human, and feel more and show more then most do. and with my hands and eye i create it. from a simple line to stroke of a brush, to the dip of the tip of ink and icor. i am in my own form of god. with my soul open.
))

(( well today or well the other day. was very cool and fun. went out with a good friend and the other the sexiest girl alive. and went to go see "Transformers Revenge of the Fallen" OH YOUR FUCKING GOD. it is was kick ass... just to hear Prime speak gave me a tear..... a go see.. big time..

then pizza and a classic movie at my place. all fun.. their is no real point to this... nothing really here .

the point of the night came to be, when i found out that their was a paper on me, well a paper done on me. i was "the F'en" it is very well done. going to get a copy of it to share but a good laugh and something to think about.

just messing and posting as the sun comes up as i can't sleep due to ........ well fun...

as for the paper, Tal read it out loud, so ask. lol )

( WELL... gotten into a fight with Deviant Art over a few of my drawings. some were well lets say. a bit.... well you can guess.

But Raine and Jegg have given me a hand and let use their site and forum to post few of them up on their site. i will be dumping more and more as i start to scan them over the next few nights due check it out.

here is the link. send a tell what you think?

http://www.guildportal.com/Guild.aspx?GuildID=311907&ForumID=1467702&TabID=2614767&Replies=3&TopicID=8254422

( well like many great men. a time to look back and see what you have done in this past. i did the same. and well i am not great. and well i didn't do as much looking back as i did looking forward. but that is for another time. but my point is about the break!

I took a bit of a break form the game. and picked one hell of a time to do so. I decided to take a break the night where i was in a raid at Kiliky . thunder shoot. and power went out.. it was out for some time... so i decide to take a ride over to my favorite food place. Jackies. a local place. got me my pizza puff. and cola. then Tal calls me. saying my barb top dropped. and i missed it... i got pissed. like the little vain and twitch in my head pissed. ( ask Tal she knows what i am talking about) that's when i thought to myself why am i so angry. sure. i don't get any cool loot or gear. i'm a male barb, i get made fun of being a male barb. hmm... and why i am pissed off. i look great for a gamer and paramedic. loseing weight. dating. etc.... so i deiced to not play for a time. what a break it was. if you have time do ask me about it. would love to share.

but a break did me good. i will be back and bugging the hell of all of you. but i am worried? so i will get dirty as i always do. and do what voodoo i do to do. to help.

but the point is. a good break is needed, take it. and say hello to life! ))

(( i do think i am getting over my funk,

with the few people that do talk to me when i do log in, who do know what is going in the background, they have giving me advice. not just the game but in life. with what they said fresh in mind, and those who are around me also blinding giving me advice. but it was a combination of many things. all the advice and frustration seem clear. no longer a cloudy window, but clear. not out of some great idea, or moment. but out of one simple thing that was in fort of me. a smile.

i guess with the stress, of life and so many things running in my head with no way out. where my past outlets seem to do nothing but frustrate even more to what is in my mind. memories, plans, ideas, taken all in at once. fear of the future. a flood of thought and feeling a wave of experience. Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb.

" i'm not even sure why it matters to me so much,

i guess it is because we all want to believe what we do i very important that people hang on every word that they care what we think. the truth is, you should consider your self very lucky even if you can on occasion get to make someone, anyone feel a little better. after that it is all about the people that you let in your life "

))))()()()()()()()()()()()((((

(( more rp funk. and what to do with it? well i still got the funk. but oddly enough it is not a bad thing. i find myself doing other things. mostly pvp or on a alt getting it up and out about. but the question still is here. and yet nothing. any ideas? or cues? mostly looking at Tal ? ))

(( RP FUNK RP FUNK ))


well trying still hitting the wall, here. so i ask........... how or any ideas to get over the block or funk?

(( RP FUNK ))

not sure how to say this or even word it as it is a jumble of thoughts, i guess it is like artist block, or well a blue funk. mostly due to life, with my brother being sick, long hours on call. and more then a few bad calls gets to me. most people i know ask or tell me not let it. but in truth how can it not. in the end when leaving that door or the rig, i take the faces and people with me back home. it seems that when it just sits in my head and the wheels turn and turn. it makes other things seem. well less important, less interesting, why bother, whats the point. as in whats the point of it. it is human and normal to ask and really look at your self as see what you have done and ask. why and what. but that just leads over and over in a circle of questions with no answers.

as emo as this sounds it does make me think. and wonder. ))

(( okay i will be stealing this idea from Servanda to try the IC thing and who knows may surprise some on who Agar is. any who.. well February is gone and well lets say it was hell of a 28 some days. lets recap on some of it shall we. My birthday yay! then the death of a friend and teacher, i got to maybe start something with a girl hehe. ended two friendships. and yess my Fathers Birthday as well! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!, work sucked! hmmm oh yeah got sued..........again! the last four days of February. Lets say my four day trip to de-stress left me laughing so hard that i think nothing can faze me. and that is not such a good thing... ask Tal if you want details. ))

well, well, i have been a busy bee, the last few weeks have been nothing but hmmm well i would say more but HIPPA!

but i have been think a bit too much about the game, and have came to a few things. i will soon let people know. till then hope u all are warm and having fun.

well well,
i have a new modem, and back online, yet life is pulling me away, oh it is a good thing, a very good things. So what does that mean, it means that i will have to cut my play time, and even so i feel some space away would help me. I am not leaving the game, far from it, it is that i am not going to playing so long into the night lol.

Needless Hate

Look around the black and white world and the people in it. You see them fighting but they know not why. People hate each other because of the Gods they pray to, the color of their skin and the country of their origin.

Now see how that hatred tears at the very fabric of humanity, look at the lives it destroys, see the people crying in the street, see the dead piling up.

Now look inside yourself, see the hate wanting to escape. Ask yourself if it is worth it to let out in the light of day.

Now look at those who hate, spewing their venomous words. Listen to what they say and laugh, a hearty laugh as you see their ignorance.

Why oh why must we hate those we do not know. Be proud, oh yes, but not arrogant.

As the sad state of modern times sinks in, ask yourself, what can I do to help?

I shall tell you what you can do, hate not those you do not know. Hate those you must, but choose them carefully. Remember, hate always comes back times three.

This week has been something else of late,

i have lost two people who are what i consider still to be very close friends very close, so close that i have shared pains and joys with them to the point that most would never ever have know.

it is not their fault but my own. My own fault, my inability to realize what i have and how fragile such trust and the friendship is How my actions no matter what they are, will affect the friendship that i made and now ruined. i feel that even with a apology and saying that it is nothing just water under the bridge, it is not. i know that i have done the damage to caused them to be weary of me and upset.

I didn't ask for it to be over. But then again I didn't ask for it to begin. For that's the way it is with life, as some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance. But even the most beautiful days eventually have their sunset

So on this day, being as cold as it is outside of my home, it is even colder inside. the loss of any friend is a painful. even more painful with the fact that i was the very source of the cause and pain. that is something to live with now. and i will give anything to have them back!

hey hey, by now i think most of you know to what have happened to me on the 30th of November by Tal, to be fair i did call her at 1 or 2 am-ish while i was being taken care of. She got most of it right, then again i was out of it when i was talking to her anyway. this is the short of it.
i was in a car crash, while driving both my brother and a girl,("who by the grace of Crom i will ask out for a date not a great way to start things off") back to school, it was about 10pm or so and the toll way was bad with constriction so two lanes and snowing mixed with cold and rain. well a few cars in front of me changed lanes quickly because a car has just hit the barricade some time ago. by time i seen what took place i hit the brakes and tried to make a lane change, but with no room, hitting a patch of ice my car slid into his at 55mph right into his like a t bone. Lucky i woke my brother up buy screaming at him just before we hit not the best way to wake up. by what ever grace of god that no one was killed. i am more then happy that my brother and that girl were able to get out of the car, just as happy as that the other person was able to get out. as for me i wasn't. My brother got over and from what they told me, they raced over to my side, they had to pull the door open because of the hit messed up the driver side. he pull me out because i wasn't responding to my name being called or moving. it was some time before i was able to even move let alone think. well the best of the best is that i am okay and so is my brother and the girl (hoping here on the date).
i am going to be in out for a few days, i have four bruised ribs two broken, legs still hurt as all hell micro fractures in the right. and my chest is all bruised, my arms are cut up . i have a mild con-cushion some cuts and scrapes. but it will take more then that to take me down ^_^. so i am going to be on and off, and a big thank you to the people who have sent me tells and who are worried about o' little aggie. now here is the messed up part of this, Tal can vouche for this and people who know me really well, that i bring my camera everywhere, so for what ever reason i took pictures of this mess, not the best but i don't know. rest of the night is a blur to me. if Rasos lets me i can post maybe one or two of what my car looks like now.

Once again Thank you to the people who sent tells to me, took me a while to figure out how people found out. that Tal told everyone and the grape line fired away. Also a big thank you to TK (Twilight Kingdom) and to Bjearn I give you the big hug. saw their posting

hey, hey folks, sorry that i have not been posting, i have been really sick for the last few days, sick enough not wanting to play or anything even my hate for pants has not even made me smile, also have been haveing connection problems with my pc. at the moment life sux's! like always things couldn't get any worse or any better. ~_~' see you guys when i get back on.

Well, Hey there all, I was gone for a bit, took my road trip just to clear my head, only four days but it helped. I had and still have problems here, but with a clear mind i think i can take it. I was going to put up a rant either here or at devi, but i had a friend look at, they said i should not. for reasons that are too many to list, but the short is that i would of pissed off just about everyone.

the trip was good, considering that my car broke down about six times in four days, slept on the side of the highway. and had a cup of coffee and doughnuts with three state troopers, nice guys after they took the handcuffs off. and that was on the way, the drive back home was..... Wilde!

the only real thing that pissed me off is that i took about 923 photos, and all came out really bad!. my lens has a scratch on it, and on every pic that i took, there is a big black line across it. i am pissed! i spent the other day and night loading the pics to my pc and everyone just pissed me off.That black line laughing at me, mocking me....

any-whoo, i said that i was going to put up the pics, sorry that i haven't after i was done screaming at my screen, i just got up and ate a tube of ice-cream.

and as for the cat that nearly killed me... she still lives... for now..

keeping things on the 411, much props to u, love on the up high, , wicked, lets get the rp on!,. jet,

"" Never argue with a stupid person. First they'll drag you down to their level, then they will beat you with experience. ""

"" To a pants free world! Death to Pants!""

All right this week art dump, was a bit small,.. still holding back on putting up a few things.. and still fighting with my scanner!. i plan on working something out like, (5 photos, 5 to 10 drawings) Evey week or so..that's the plan.... and plz, people, comments , even if your taking a jab at me! it all helps
for example i was with one of the guildies and she had some great comments and way to improve and what to look for etc, etc. i wish i took screen shots of it. Thanxs Xin. i took what you said and i am trying a few new things out!
so... check it out... and leave a comment!
MadJoeWo Deviant

TRAMPLE THE WEEK HURDLE THE DEAD,! DEATH TO PANTS!